Thursday, June 15, 2006

no expense spared

in these times of massive NHS deficit, you will be pleased to hear that my trust has been investing its elusive budget in worthwhile projects.

last week the following appeared on several wards:

they gradually multiplied in number to the point where most of the medical wards were covered in them.

plastered on the patient board, on the doors to the staff rooms, over the treatment room, etc

what are they? i asked around.

the doctors certainly didn't know. the ward clerk muttered something about management.

the nurses all smiled cheekily and said they couldn't tell me.

the senior nurses/matron all gleefully said "ah ha - you'll find out next week."

i did wonder whether i had wandered into john malkovich's head or perhaps the deck of the marie celeste but instead chose to try and get on with my job as reality decayed around me. i kept glancing around to see if ALF was going to appear.

anyway, so this week i stumbled into the staff room on one of the wards to see the table cleared away and lots of different coloured card, glitter, glue and felt tips replacing the usual array of rotas and handover sheets. using these tools were several hypnotically happy members of the nursing staff engaged in the making of cardboard fish and adding them to a big wall display of more fish where the noticeboard used to be.

yee gads i thought. has everyone been hit by some childhood regression alien virus? has some devilish pied piper character drawn everyone into some sort of strange cult of collage? have people been drinking the hospital Sodexho tap water again?

i still couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone through their glazed, pritt-stick covered eyes and then saw a poster (replacing the antibiotic guidance one) referring to the fish philosophy.

"for Crippen's sake, what the fuck is the fish philosophy?" you may ask, as i did as i negotiated my way through the sea of crayons.

well i suggest you check out the website. (please please have sound enabled)

once you have finished chucking out your guts in laughter/nausea pinch yourself and ask whether the world has truly gone completely nuts.

as far as i am aware, under the fish scheme staff get a "fish" for doing something "great" and once they accumulate 5 fishes they get a free cup of rancid Sodexho coffee.

i don't know how fish define something great. maybe it's... let's see... something to do with doing your job?

this is worrying for two reasons; firstly that nursing morale is so goddamn low on the medical wards (the nurses there are by and large very good but VASTLY overstretched and under supported) that they need some crazy scheme to reassure them that they're doing something worthwhile.

secondly it suggests that someone actually thought this was a grrr-eat idea and was swayed by some tosser in a lime green shirt. i dread to think how much this has cost and how many prostitutes lime green man has indulged himself with for that sum.

am i being harsh? am i completely out of touch with modern management techniques?

or do you also think this smells of horseshit? surely this is not the way to re-inspire a workforce.

i am, as always, open to the view of the blog panel.

in the interim i am not making any fucking fish.

[i am listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival - Lookin' out my back door]
[DISCLAIMER: this does not represent the views of my NHS trust... oh dear, i may get fired]

Monday, June 05, 2006

why so mean?

so ok i'm not hitting the 30 days. but then i realised visiting the site that several infinitely more talented people are producing real works rather than babbling on a blog.

i am currently a bit dazed. i have just returned from the Ritzy having seen Paul Greengrass' United 93. i'm not quite sure how i feel about the film. i shall have to sleep on it. certainly there was no ben affleck to save the day. very harrowing.

the canadian embassy has closed down for a few days so i am back in my home. it has been a wonderful weekend, partly because the sun has allowed for lazing with the papers and picnic food in the park.

i also went to the wedding of a friend from med school on saturday night. a great day and a chance to catch up with old buddies. a bit nostalgic really. the best man was talking about our first year and all the hilarious shenanigans in residences. everyone was smiling and laughing but 8 years older and i (one of the few who isn't married or a homeowner) couldn't help wishing for happier, simpler, less responsible times. ah! the wonders of ageing.

roll on 30.

[i am listening to the rapture]

Saturday, June 03, 2006


i have failed at the first hurdle with regard to the 30 days project.

there are several reasons for this - there are always reasons.

i have firstly been trapped in bed feverish for the past two days. a bit of a cold or perhaps the imminent HIV seroconversion illness. i'm not sure.

secondly i am not even at my flat! once again my canadian outreach project has meant i am putting up the mum of one of my friends. decamping at my special lady's has also resulted in a disconnection from my lifeline to the internet. and as the trust won't let me connect to blogger this has lead to the fucking up of my "participation."

anyways to resolve this i shall continue for 2 days after the end of 30days to make up for dodgy circumstances.

[i am listening to the kooks]